Tips to Help Children Adjust to Divorce and Having Two Homes

Tips from a licensed psychotherapist on how to help children transition to having two homes:

• The younger the child, they more they need frequent contact with each parent. A teenager can go 4-5 days without seeing the other parent, while a two year old flourishes with more frequent, even daily visits. They can be short, an hour is fine.
• Siblings should not be split but rather “attend” visitation together. In this time of upheaval, they offer each other consistency and support.
• Parents should not use the “hand off time” as an opportunity to fight or discuss any elements of the divorce. Keep your conversation cordial and polite.
• Children need some down time before the transition-quiet playing gives then a chance to prepare themselves for the emotional and practical shift. Just as time before leaving for school should be drama-free, so should the time before visitation.
• Let the children know the schedule. With small children you can get them a calendar and mark with a red M the times with Mom and a blue D the times with Dad. Aside from teaching children about calendars, dates and times, it also gives them a sense of control.
• Stick to visitation schedule as much as possible. ALWAYS be prompt for pick up and drop off. Tardiness creates anxiety in children.
• Recognize the schedule will evolve over time as your children’s needs change.

Re: “hand off” time, I often suggest to clients that they not discuss anything divorce or support related during that time.  As the saying goes, “little pitchers have big ears” – your children are much aware of tension between the two of you than you think.  Save discussions of divorce-related issues for when your children are not present.

Resource: Donna Ferber, licensed psychotherapist

Tagged as: child, children, visitation