Every parent going through a divorce worries about how to tell their kids. Here are some guidelines on how to handle this difficult conversation.
For you, your marriage is ending. This is not what is going on for your child. It is a change, certainly, but their relationship with each parent is ongoing. Remember during the conversation to focus on your child. This is about what they are thinking and feeling, not about how you feel about your marriage ending.
When: Tell them close to when one of the parents is moving out of the family home. Informing them much in advance will not help them prepare, but it will make them anxious. For children, divorce starts when a significant change to their life occurs – generally when a parent moves out.
Who: If possible, both parents should be present. This illustrates that you are still a “parenting team” and emphasizes that this isn’t about one of you having “messed up” and harmed the family.
Where: Again, if possible, this conversation should occur in the home.
What: Keep the conversation age appropriate. As much as possible, keep the conversation short, but invite them to discuss it with you whenever they want. Many children do not have an immediate response, but will have questions after a day or two. Answer questions to the extent that you can. Obviously, the exact reasons for your divorce should remain between you and your spouse. Explain that parents divorce each other, and that both of you will continue to parent and love the child. Also, explain concretely how this divorce will affect them (i.e. one parent is moving out, how often they will see each of you, who will take them to baseball practice, etc.) Continually reassure your child that you will not leave them and that you will always love them.
What’s next: Children vary in their response. Check back in with your children. Similar to other parenting endeavors, this is a process, not a one-time conversation.
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