According to an MSNBC article, the divorce rate among soldiers has increased as military marriages suffered continuing stress from two ongoing wars.

There were an estimated 10,200 failed marriages in the active duty Army and 3,077 among Marines, according to the Associated Press. The divorce rate was originally 3.3 percent, but has risen to 3.5 percent according to the latest information.

The information shows 3.7 percent of more than 84,000 married Marines divorced in fiscal year 2008, increased from 3.3 percent in 2007. Some veteran and family groups believe the Pentagon figures are too low because they do not include those who divorced after leaving the service.

Repeated deployments have been blamed for stresses on military couples. Spouses at home left to care for their family without their spouse can often feel overwhelmed.

According to the article, women in the military usually experience higher rates of failed marriages than men. Army women divorced at a rate of 8.5 percent and for men it was only 2.9 percent.

Mental health surveys taken in Iraq, showed 15 percent of troops said they intended to divorce when they got home. All the services have started programs to help couples make it through this difficult time. The Army has a couples course, and a family course that helps couples with children to stay close and parent well. The Marines have offer workshops to teach couples to manage conflict, solve problems and communicate better.

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Whether it’s because of a parenting plan or a business trip, parents and children must sometimes deal with extended periods of separation.  Psychologist Ann Dunnewold, Ph.D., author of Even June Cleaver Would Forget the Juice Box, gave the following tips to Parenting magazine re: how to stay close to your children when you can not physically be with them:

1. Use your cell phone. Although the idea of entrusting a cellular device to your 6-year old is appalling to many parents, allowing a child to have access to his or her mother or father’s voice is a simple and effective way to stay connected.  If your child’s other parent is with the child while you are not, simply ask them to cooperate and lend the child their phone.  A study conducted at University of Wisconsin-Madison shows that girls who talked to their mothers via phone felt as calm and happy as those whose mothers were physically available for hugs.  Hearing a parent’s voice lowers a child’s cortisol (stress hormone) and released oxytocin, a hormone associated with physical contact.
2. Make a recording. If you know you’re going to be stuck in a closed conference all day, make a recording of yourself reading your child’s favorite story or singing his or her favorite song and have it available for the child to hear.
3. Log on to Skype. If you can’t, leave videos of yourself for your child to watch whenever he or she wants.  This is similar to the voice recording tactic.
4. Hang around. Even if you can’t stay, leave your scarf, cardigan, or something the child associates with you with him or her.  Make sure it’s an item the child has seen you wearing often.  This method isn’t effective if you simply dig out an old sweater from the closet.  The item should smell, feel, and look familiar to the child.

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When couples marry, few contemplate that their marriage might end in divorce.   The hope is that their marriage will be forever.  The reality is, however, that some will end, sometimes bitterly, in divorce.   Much of the acrimony of divorce could have prevented if the parties  had a prenuptial agreement.

So why do so many couples, who are aware of the risks, fail to even consider entering into a prenuptial agreement?

Prenuptial agreements are for wealthy people; my fiancé and I are just starting out. Things change.  As you become older and more accomplished in your career your income will increase.  Your assets, particularly your  home, your savings and your retirement accounts will become more valuable.  The prenuptial agreement can protect the accumulated wealth and provide for how it will be dealt with if a marriage ends in divorce or death.

Prenuptial agreements only protect the wealthier spouse and leave the other spouse with little or nothing.
Prenuptial agreements must be fair.  If the agreement is found to be unconscionable, the court will set aside.  (That is, the court will act as if there was no prenup.)  Particularly where there is disparate wealth, the prenup can  provide for maintenance for the less well-off spouse in the event of divorce.

Premarital Agreements must cover everything, soup to nuts.
The agreement can be tailored to your specific desires.   I prefer that prenups be comprehensive, but it is possible to craft one that covers one particular issue.  (For example, you own a business with your siblings and do not want it to be a part of any potential divorce proceeding.)

“We’re planning a wedding – we’re always so stressed out about money, I don’t want to talk about finances.”
Drafting a prenuptial agreement is an excellent time to make sure that each of you knows what the other person’s financial picture looks like.  The prenuptial process includes financial disclosures.  If there are any problems, this is the time to see them!  I encourage couples to begin the prenuptial process early, so that there is sufficient time to make the disclosures, deal with any problems that crop up, and have important conversations about how each of them wants finances to be handled during the marriage.

Premarital Agreements Aren’t ROMANTIC
This is what I hear most often.  My explanation is that getting a prenup is like saying “I love you enough to talk about what things might look like if at some point in the future, things fall apart.”  It is much better to have this discussion now, in the flush of happiness, than at a time when you and your spouse might be highly emotional and stressed by other factors.

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“Helping professions” and hospitality workers have some of the highest divorce rates in the country, according to a comparison of divorce rates among occupations.

The conventional wisdom is that doctors and attorneys have high divorce rates.  But an analysis of the top 15 jobs with the highest divorce rate that recently made the rounds of the Internet doesn’t even list police officers among the worst offenders. Based on data from the 2000 U.S. Census,  here are the to p15 professions and their divorce rates:

1. Dancer: 43%
2. Bartender: 38%
3. Massage therapist: 38%
4. Gaming cage: 34%
5. Extruding machine operator: 32%
6. Gaming: 31%
7. Factory: 29%
8. Phone operator: 29%
9. Nursing: 28%
10. Entertainers, sports: 28%
11. Porter: 28%
12. Telemarketer: 28%
13. Waiter: 27%
14. Roofer: 26%
15. Maid: 26%

The national divorce rate in 2009 was 10 percent. It’s hard to know why the above jobs are prone to more divorce. Professional dancers, athletes and entertainers, for example, have more opportunity to cheat on their spouses because they often work away from home and are surrounded by adoring fans.

Helping professionals, such as massage therapists and nurses, have a high amount of stress and work long hours, spending less time with their families. Hospitality workers, such as waiters, maids, porters and gaming workers, also work irregular hours in high-stress jobs.

No matter what the profession, divorces are highest among jobs where workers face high stress and temptations.  Jobs that require extensive travel, odd hours and are high in stress can lead to divorce.

Working odd hours (especially nighttime work) and then spending more time with co-workers instead of a spouse isn’t the only thing that can lead to divorce. One of the biggest causes of divorce is economic pressure.

Resource: jobs.aol.com

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According to a recent survey of American couples, one-third of spouses lie to their partners about money matters and one third have been lied to by their spouses.

These results are very similar to what happens when one spouse discovers the other is having an affair.  If you believe that your spouse is hiding money, etc., contact an experienced family law attorney to understand how this could affect you legally.

Read more in this Forbes article: Is Your Partner Cheating On You Financially? 31% Admit Money Deception.

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Your former spouse has a new job, or has remarried.  Perhaps you have lost your job.  Knowing that a financial change in circumstances can trigger a change in support, you think that the amount of child support or spousal support that you are paying (or receiving) should change.  But, how do you find out whether the other party’s financial situation has changed significantly?  Do you have to start another expensive court proceeding?

Thankfully, no.  California family law provides a unique and inexpensive procedure for divorced people to determine whether a change of financial circumstances has occurred before commencing support modification or termination proceedings and without undertaking formal (and costly) discovery.

Up to once a year after entry of a marriage dissolution, legal separation or paternity judgment providing for support, either party may demand that the other party provide a current income and expense declaration accompanied by the prior year’s federal and state personal income tax returns.  If the responding party does not comply within 35 days (or responds incompletely), the requesting party may obtain “income and benefits” information from the nonresponding party’s employer. The nonresponding party is also subject to sanctions in a subsequent modification or termination proceeding.

Thus, once a year, you can request a “picture” of your former spouse’s finances to see whether support (child or spousal) needs to be adjusted.  If you need help with this process, or have questions about child and spousal support, please do not hesitate to contact me.

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Tips from a licensed psychotherapist on how to help children transition to having two homes:

• The younger the child, they more they need frequent contact with each parent. A teenager can go 4-5 days without seeing the other parent, while a two year old flourishes with more frequent, even daily visits. They can be short, an hour is fine.
• Siblings should not be split but rather “attend” visitation together. In this time of upheaval, they offer each other consistency and support.
• Parents should not use the “hand off time” as an opportunity to fight or discuss any elements of the divorce. Keep your conversation cordial and polite.
• Children need some down time before the transition-quiet playing gives then a chance to prepare themselves for the emotional and practical shift. Just as time before leaving for school should be drama-free, so should the time before visitation.
• Let the children know the schedule. With small children you can get them a calendar and mark with a red M the times with Mom and a blue D the times with Dad. Aside from teaching children about calendars, dates and times, it also gives them a sense of control.
• Stick to visitation schedule as much as possible. ALWAYS be prompt for pick up and drop off. Tardiness creates anxiety in children.
• Recognize the schedule will evolve over time as your children’s needs change.

Re: “hand off” time, I often suggest to clients that they not discuss anything divorce or support related during that time.  As the saying goes, “little pitchers have big ears” – your children are much aware of tension between the two of you than you think.  Save discussions of divorce-related issues for when your children are not present.

Resource: Donna Ferber, licensed psychotherapist

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April 15, the income tax filing deadline will soon be upon us.   I found a great post talking about the interplay between tax law and divorce.  Here are tips that it presented:

1. Spousal support paid in accordance with a properly drafted divorce agreement or court order is deductible to the person paying it and reportable as income to the recipient. Thus, if you are receiving alimony, you must set aside a sufficient portion to pay federal and state income taxes in order not to be unpleasantly surprised come tax time.
2. Child support is “tax neutral”; non-deductible to the payer or income to the payee.
3. A capital gain exclusion of $250,000 (single) and $500,000 (married) exists for the sale of a principal residence, defined as where you lived for any two of the past five years.  If after a separation, this rule tells us that the home must be sold within three years of departure for the exclusion to apply to the departing spouse.
4. Marital status for tax filing purposes is set on the last day of the year–December 31. If you are divorced before December 31, you must file as a single taxpayer or head of household if you qualify. If you are still married on December 31, you can file jointly or separately, although the latter is not recommended since the total combined tax liability is greater than in the case of joint filing.
5. If filing separately, the first to file’s election of standard or itemized deductions requires the other filer to do the same.
6. Joint tax return = joint liability despite what your divorce agreement or Judgment says. The IRS “innocent spouse” exceptions are very limited.
7. The custodial parent is entitled to claim the children as dependency exemptions unless otherwise agreed in writing.
8. Attorneys fees related to a divorce are not generally deductible, whether your own or paid to your spouse’s lawyer. Tax advice related to the divorce is deductible, as are fees paid to determine or collect spousal support.
9. If a person is obligated to pay child support and spousal support but pays less than the monthly amount due, payments are first applied to satisfy the child support obligation (tax neutral) before alimony.

A tenth tip -  Two assets with same value at the time of the settlement may have very different values when tax impacted.  You have to be very conscious of the basis of assets and the appropriate tax rules.   For example because of the capital gain exclusion on the martial residence, the house sold for a profit of $250,000 may be worth more than a stock portfolio sold for an equal gain.

For more information on taxes, check out Advice from the IRS for Newly Married or Divorced Taxpayers.

In the end, you should discuss the tax impact of your divorce with your attorney and accountant.

Adapted from: New Jersey Law Blog

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USA Today reports on the shifting societal view of what constitutes a family:

How “family” is defined is a crucial question on many levels. Beyond the debate over same-sex marriage, it affects income tax filings, adoption and foster care practices, employee benefits, inheritance rights and countless other matters.

Between 2003 and 2010, three surveys conducted by Indiana University sociologist Brian Powell showed a significant shift toward counting same-sex couples with children as family — from 54% of respondents in 2003 to 68% in 2010. In all, more than 2,300 people were surveyed.

Powell linked the changing attitudes to a 10% rise between 2003 and 2010 in the share of survey respondents who reported having a gay friend or relative.

Only about one-third of those surveyed said they considered same-sex couples without children to be a family. And in 2006, when asked if gay couples and pets count as family, 30% said pets count but not gay couples.

In the 2010 survey, 83% of the respondents said they perceived unmarried heterosexual couples with children as a family; only 40% extended that recognition to unmarried straight couples without children.

In line with several recent national opinion polls, Powell’s 2010 survey showed a near-even split on same-sex marriage — with 52% supporting it and 48% opposed.

Read the full store here.

At this time of year, once the holidays are over and school-age children are back in their routines, many people decide to begin the process of divorce. As a counter-part to the recent post about how to start a divorce, this post will cover how to respond to papers if your spouse files for divorce.

1. If you see it coming, start preparing. Gather records, get control over some financial resources: cash, accounts, credit cards. You need to have some financial resources under your control that you can depend on. Cash and credit cards are very helpful, but cleaning out the accounts and leaving nothing for your spouse probably will hurt you in the long run. You will need to think about the respective living arrangements for you and your spouse. If you have kids, how will you take care of them, pay any necessary bills and share time with them with your spouse? Don’t just sit around, start planning and anticipating. Get some help from friends and professionals.

2. If you didn’t see it coming, start preparing, but move faster. If you have to play catch-up, do so. You still need to do a lot of planning, even if you get surprised. Start as soon as you can.

3. Research your options. Collaborative law is always worth considering.  You might have to go into litigation, but mediation is usually an effective way to resolve cases. Talk to an experienced attorney about the best way to proceed.

4. Decide what’s important for you. Figure out what you would like to end up with. That includes financial assets, issues involving children and any other concerns you have. Spend time at the start of the process to determine what you want and you will have a better chance of being satisfied. Just defaulting to “half of everything” and “standard” possession or child support may not be in your best interest. Think about it and discuss the issues with your attorney and counselor (if you have one).

5. Select an attorney. Look for experience, training, cost and chemistry. Find out how much experience your prospective attorney has with the issues of your case.  Make sure the attorney is affordable. It doesn’t benefit you or the attorney to hire the most expensive attorney and hope that you will somehow be able to afford him or her. There are many fine attorneys at different price ranges. Finally, and maybe most importantly, make sure you and the attorney have good chemistry.

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