Parenting at any time can be a challenging and complicated process. Parenting following divorce or separation can be even more difficult. The prospect of co-parenting with the ex may seem like a nightmare .
In her guide “Help Your Children Cope with Your Divorce”, Paula Hall gives the following advice for parents embarking on the co-parenting journey: ‘The qualities required for effective co-parenting are good communication, compromise and co-operation.’ It may be difficult if these things were missing in the first place, but she adds that ‘once the separation is complete and the focus of conversations is purely on the children, many couples realize that for everyone concerned, you might as well get on with the job of being parents and leave bad feelings in the past.’
Paula’s top tips for implementing the three core qualities can be summarized as follows:
Communication
- Although there may be bad feelings, keep communication calm and courteous .
- Meet your ex partner when you have time and energy, not when you are stressed or tired .
- Keep emotions in check and agree to a time out if either of you gets too emotional.
Cooperation
- Agree to rules and roles beforehand. Children find it easier to have the same rules in both homes.
- Keep communication respectful and don’t disagree in front of your children
- Don’t encourage the children to take sides or use your child as a spy to find out about your ex’s personal life
- Don’t criticize your ex partner in front of your children. This can be very stressful for them.
- Be reasonable in your expectations of your ex partner, and understanding of lapses and mistakes. Your ex will be doing their best for the children and so will you.
Compromise
- Remember that what is best for the child is not always best for the parents
- A child misbehaving is not necessarily a result of the split. Talk to them and explore why they are upset.
- ‘I hate you and want to live with my dad/mom’ is normal. They may know it is the best way to hurt you so, instead of getting hurt, simply explore what can be done
- Remember that the children need to feel that they can love both parents without being disloyal
- Respect that siblings might want to do different things.
- If your ex gets a new partner put aside negative feelings in front of your children. It will be difficult but the healthiest thing for the child is to be allowed to accept and like the new partner (which can be hard, if you don’t.)
Adapted from Family Law Collaborative Divorce.
Comments on this entry are closed.