According to an MSNBC article, the divorce rate among soldiers has increased as military marriages suffered continuing stress from two ongoing wars.

There were an estimated 10,200 failed marriages in the active duty Army and 3,077 among Marines, according to the Associated Press. The divorce rate was originally 3.3 percent, but has risen to 3.5 percent according to the latest information.

The information shows 3.7 percent of more than 84,000 married Marines divorced in fiscal year 2008, increased from 3.3 percent in 2007. Some veteran and family groups believe the Pentagon figures are too low because they do not include those who divorced after leaving the service.

Repeated deployments have been blamed for stresses on military couples. Spouses at home left to care for their family without their spouse can often feel overwhelmed.

According to the article, women in the military usually experience higher rates of failed marriages than men. Army women divorced at a rate of 8.5 percent and for men it was only 2.9 percent.

Mental health surveys taken in Iraq, showed 15 percent of troops said they intended to divorce when they got home. All the services have started programs to help couples make it through this difficult time. The Army has a couples course, and a family course that helps couples with children to stay close and parent well. The Marines have offer workshops to teach couples to manage conflict, solve problems and communicate better.

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Whether it’s because of a parenting plan or a business trip, parents and children must sometimes deal with extended periods of separation.  Psychologist Ann Dunnewold, Ph.D., author of Even June Cleaver Would Forget the Juice Box, gave the following tips to Parenting magazine re: how to stay close to your children when you can not physically be with them:

  1. Use your cell phone. Although the idea of entrusting a cellular device to your 6-year old is appalling to many parents, allowing a child to have access to his or her mother or father’s voice is a simple and effective way to stay connected.  If your child’s other parent is with the child while you are not, simply ask them to cooperate and lend the child their phone.  A study conducted at University of Wisconsin-Madison shows that girls who talked to their mothers via phone felt as calm and happy as those whose mothers were physically available for hugs.  Hearing a parent’s voice lowers a child’s cortisol (stress hormone) and released oxytocin, a hormone associated with physical contact.
  2. Make a recording. If you know you’re going to be stuck in a closed conference all day, make a recording of yourself reading your child’s favorite story or singing his or her favorite song and have it available for the child to hear.
  3. Log on to Skype. If you can’t, leave videos of yourself for your child to watch whenever he or she wants.  This is similar to the voice recording tactic.
  4. Hang around. Even if you can’t stay, leave your scarf, cardigan, or something the child associates with you with him or her.  Make sure it’s an item the child has seen you wearing often.  This method isn’t effective if you simply dig out an old sweater from the closet.  The item should smell, feel, and look familiar to the child.
Remember, just because you’re away doesn’t mean you can’t feel close to your kids.  The bond you share with your children is too strong to be broken by distance.

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BlogWeddingRings 300x300 Five Reasons You Need a Prenuptial AgreementWhen couples marry, few contemplate that their marriage might end in divorce.   The hope is that their marriage will be forever.  The reality is, however, that some will end, sometimes bitterly, in divorce.   Much of the acrimony of divorce could have prevented if the parties  had a prenuptial agreement.

So why do so many couples, who are aware of the risks, fail to even consider entering into a prenuptial agreement?

Prenuptial agreements are for wealthy people; my fiancé and I are just starting out. Things change.  As you become older and more accomplished in your career your income will increase.  Your assets, particularly your  home, your savings and your retirement accounts will become more valuable.  The prenuptial agreement can protect the accumulated wealth and provide for how it will be dealt with if a marriage ends in divorce or death.

Prenuptial agreements only protect the wealthier spouse and leave the other spouse with little or nothing.
Prenuptial agreements must be fair.  If the agreement is found to be unconscionable, the court will set aside.  (That is, the court will act as if there was no prenup.)  Particularly where there is disparate wealth, the prenup can  provide for maintenance for the less well-off spouse in the event of divorce.

Premarital Agreements must cover everything, soup to nuts.
The agreement can be tailored to your specific desires.   I prefer that prenups be comprehensive, but it is possible to craft one that covers one particular issue.  (For example, you own a business with your siblings and do not want it to be a part of any potential divorce proceeding.)

“We’re planning a wedding – we’re always so stressed out about money, I don’t want to talk about finances.”
Drafting a prenuptial agreement is an excellent time to make sure that each of you knows what the other person’s financial picture looks like.  The prenuptial process includes financial disclosures.  If there are any problems, this is the time to see them!  I encourage couples to begin the prenuptial process early, so that there is sufficient time to make the disclosures, deal with any problems that crop up, and have important conversations about how each of them wants finances to be handled during the marriage.

Premarital Agreements Aren’t ROMANTIC
This is what I hear most often.  My explanation is that getting a prenup is like saying “I love you enough to talk about what things might look like if at some point in the future, things fall apart.”  It is much better to have this discussion now, in the flush of happiness, than at a time when you and your spouse might be highly emotional and stressed by other factors.

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Professions with the Highest Divorce Rates

April 14, 2011

“Helping professions” and hospitality workers have some of the highest divorce rates in the country, according to a comparison of divorce rates among occupations. The conventional wisdom is that doctors and attorneys have high divorce rates.  But an analysis of the top 15 jobs with the highest divorce rate that recently made the rounds of [...]

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The New Form of Cheating: Holding Out on Your Spouse About Money

April 11, 2011

According to a recent survey of American couples, one-third of spouses lie to their partners about money matters and one third have been lied to by their spouses. Among the money matters about which spouses lie are: hiding money (58%) concealing minor purchases (54%) keeping bills secret (30%) hiding major purchases (16%) maintaining bank accounts [...]

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Post-divorce: has there been a financial change in circumstances?

April 7, 2011

Your former spouse has a new job, or has remarried.  Perhaps you have lost your job.  Knowing that a financial change in circumstances can trigger a change in support, you think that the amount of child support or spousal support that you are paying (or receiving) should change.  But, how do you find out whether [...]

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Tips to Help Children Adjust to Divorce and Having Two Homes

April 4, 2011

Tips from a licensed psychotherapist on how to help children transition to having two homes: The younger the child, they more they need frequent contact with each parent. A teenager can go 4-5 days without seeing the other parent, while a two year old flourishes with more frequent, even daily visits. They can be short, [...]

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10 Tax Tips for Divorce

March 31, 2011

April 15, the income tax filing deadline will soon be upon us.   I found a great post talking about the interplay between tax law and divorce.  Here are tips that it presented: Spousal support paid in accordance with a properly drafted divorce agreement or court order is deductible to the person paying it and [...]

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The Evolving Definition of Family

March 28, 2011

USA Today reports on the shifting societal view of what constitutes a family: How “family” is defined is a crucial question on many levels. Beyond the debate over same-sex marriage, it affects income tax filings, adoption and foster care practices, employee benefits, inheritance rights and countless other matters. Between 2003 and 2010, three surveys conducted [...]

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What to Do if Your Spouse Files for Divorce

March 24, 2011

At this time of year, once the holidays are over and school-age children are back in their routines, many people decide to begin the process of divorce. As a counter-part to the recent post about how to start a divorce, this post will cover how to respond to papers if your spouse files for divorce. [...]

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